Post by Groks on Apr 17, 2008 9:28:33 GMT -6
I'm sorry if this is tedious, I had to write it. I don't even care if it isn't good writing.
A year ago, I found myself in a hospital with lithium poisoning. Even after a year, I have not been able to let go of the experience. I am horrified at the fact I can't remember huge chunks of consciousness, and the fact I was in denial for so long about my condition. Writing seems to be a good way to put closure on this. Thanks for reading.
Lithium Lost
How could I have let this get so bad? I could have died.
My shrink had prescribed more lithium to stave off mania. After months of this increase dosage, I begin four months of slowly being poisoned. It starts with my speech, I can't get words into my mind, let alone out of my mouth. I start sleeping, long hours both day and night. My balance is next to go, falling down is almost a daily occurrence.
My muscles begin jerking, I can't take a glass of water from the sink to the couch without dropping it. I hold a death grip on stair railings for fear of falling. I go through gallons of bottled water (tap water tastes like crap).
I sleep through missed shrink appointments – I don't tell him what is going on. I thought another medication I was taking for anxiety/panic attacks was causing this. Anything to stop the attacks. Even this. I am in denial that there is anything wrong with me.
And so I progressively get worse. I'm throwing up, my concentration goes haywire (I thought I had the stomach flu).. I am dreaming horrifically vivid dreams, and when I wake up, I'm still not sure they weren't real. My daughter wants a ride to a friend's house - I don't trust myself behind the wheel. Let's not talk about food, everything tastes like paste. Food commercials look disgusting.
On one Saturday, my husband takes me for a drive to pick up our kid. I have no idea where I am, everything looks strange, familiar sites are warped. I semi-hallucinate things that aren't really happening.
I feel doped, I feel high. I finally acknowledge that there is something wrong with me.
I take a half an hour walking down to the basement (with my usual death grip on the banister) to find some soup and then back up again.
The next two days, huge chunks are missing, I can't remember where they went. I'm waiting until Thursday to see my shrink, I decide I can't wait that long and make a call to the voice mail.
At church on Sunday, people seem to think I'm worse off than I think I am. They take me home.
Monday. I think the phone is ringing, I try to make it before the answering machine, ending up crawling on the floor to get at it. The receiver drops to the ground, and I keep saying “hello”. I think there is someone on the other end telling me over and over again to get to the ER. He must have been serious, as an ambulance parks in front of my house.
God works in mysterious ways, as a friend whom I seldom see just shows up at my doorstep the same time as the ambulance. The paramedics take my vitals, and yes, I need to go to the ER. My friend drives me to the hospital, they admit me, they say I have lithium poisoning. It doesn't sink in. I just want pills or else I just know I'm going to go into panic mode. Are they in my IV? I don't know.
The next three days are crazy. Literally. I drift in and out of consciousness, in and out of bizarre dreams, half of the time semi-hallucinating (there really were creatures on either side of the bed, weren't there?)
One time I half wake up from unconsciousness, and finding myself screaming to get me out of there. I am horrified at what I'm doing....I don't know how it started. I was asleep when I started banging around.
The dream I came out of was so real, I dreamed my brother the musician had started an all orchestra night club (he plays viola). I dream that one of the nurses is costumed in a shrimp colored salsa dress. She tries to get me to do dance moves, I can't move to save my life. I dream that my brother's son is in his early twenties (in reality he's only 16), helping my brother get his night club going.
And then I wake up screaming. I am so sorry I hurt the nurse that often sings while in my room. I like her, she brings me water.
I've been in the hospital three days. The food tastes like lead. I'm attached to IV's that beep at any movement. I just want to go home. In middle of one night, I think I'm going to bolt for it...only to be tethered to my IV. I think I'm going to take it with me, only to find it attached to the wall.
I don't know if I'm being given any of the medication I usually take for my disorders – the third night erupts into anxiety. I start wandering all over the floor, into the nurses station, break rooms – they move me into another room across the hall from the nurses, and don't let me wander. I don't realize it until weeks later, I was on watch.
They try to have someone in my room to stay with me, I kick her out. I watch Letterman, O'Brian, and lord knows who else. I doze and wake up to some creepy poker game on NBC. Some guy in scrubs sits outside my door. I'm feeling funky, I reveal to him that I am indeed a manic/depressive. He says he knows. I hardly sleep. I want to go home.
The next day, the nurses tell me I won't be going home that day. I freak out and cry. Later, a nice lady comes by and wants to know if I'd like to go to a psychiatric research place. They promise that I could wear my own clothes, work one on one with a shrink....not have IV's...sounds good to me.
The nurse takes out all of my IV's, things in my arm, stuff attached to my chest, and I get to put on real clothes. Some nice ambulance guys take me to “Psychiatric Research”.
My memory is clearer about this next part of my journey.
To be continued....
"Losing Lithium 2" is in "Sort of Emo" in the poetry section.
A year ago, I found myself in a hospital with lithium poisoning. Even after a year, I have not been able to let go of the experience. I am horrified at the fact I can't remember huge chunks of consciousness, and the fact I was in denial for so long about my condition. Writing seems to be a good way to put closure on this. Thanks for reading.
Lithium Lost
How could I have let this get so bad? I could have died.
My shrink had prescribed more lithium to stave off mania. After months of this increase dosage, I begin four months of slowly being poisoned. It starts with my speech, I can't get words into my mind, let alone out of my mouth. I start sleeping, long hours both day and night. My balance is next to go, falling down is almost a daily occurrence.
My muscles begin jerking, I can't take a glass of water from the sink to the couch without dropping it. I hold a death grip on stair railings for fear of falling. I go through gallons of bottled water (tap water tastes like crap).
I sleep through missed shrink appointments – I don't tell him what is going on. I thought another medication I was taking for anxiety/panic attacks was causing this. Anything to stop the attacks. Even this. I am in denial that there is anything wrong with me.
And so I progressively get worse. I'm throwing up, my concentration goes haywire (I thought I had the stomach flu).. I am dreaming horrifically vivid dreams, and when I wake up, I'm still not sure they weren't real. My daughter wants a ride to a friend's house - I don't trust myself behind the wheel. Let's not talk about food, everything tastes like paste. Food commercials look disgusting.
On one Saturday, my husband takes me for a drive to pick up our kid. I have no idea where I am, everything looks strange, familiar sites are warped. I semi-hallucinate things that aren't really happening.
I feel doped, I feel high. I finally acknowledge that there is something wrong with me.
I take a half an hour walking down to the basement (with my usual death grip on the banister) to find some soup and then back up again.
The next two days, huge chunks are missing, I can't remember where they went. I'm waiting until Thursday to see my shrink, I decide I can't wait that long and make a call to the voice mail.
At church on Sunday, people seem to think I'm worse off than I think I am. They take me home.
Monday. I think the phone is ringing, I try to make it before the answering machine, ending up crawling on the floor to get at it. The receiver drops to the ground, and I keep saying “hello”. I think there is someone on the other end telling me over and over again to get to the ER. He must have been serious, as an ambulance parks in front of my house.
God works in mysterious ways, as a friend whom I seldom see just shows up at my doorstep the same time as the ambulance. The paramedics take my vitals, and yes, I need to go to the ER. My friend drives me to the hospital, they admit me, they say I have lithium poisoning. It doesn't sink in. I just want pills or else I just know I'm going to go into panic mode. Are they in my IV? I don't know.
The next three days are crazy. Literally. I drift in and out of consciousness, in and out of bizarre dreams, half of the time semi-hallucinating (there really were creatures on either side of the bed, weren't there?)
One time I half wake up from unconsciousness, and finding myself screaming to get me out of there. I am horrified at what I'm doing....I don't know how it started. I was asleep when I started banging around.
The dream I came out of was so real, I dreamed my brother the musician had started an all orchestra night club (he plays viola). I dream that one of the nurses is costumed in a shrimp colored salsa dress. She tries to get me to do dance moves, I can't move to save my life. I dream that my brother's son is in his early twenties (in reality he's only 16), helping my brother get his night club going.
And then I wake up screaming. I am so sorry I hurt the nurse that often sings while in my room. I like her, she brings me water.
I've been in the hospital three days. The food tastes like lead. I'm attached to IV's that beep at any movement. I just want to go home. In middle of one night, I think I'm going to bolt for it...only to be tethered to my IV. I think I'm going to take it with me, only to find it attached to the wall.
I don't know if I'm being given any of the medication I usually take for my disorders – the third night erupts into anxiety. I start wandering all over the floor, into the nurses station, break rooms – they move me into another room across the hall from the nurses, and don't let me wander. I don't realize it until weeks later, I was on watch.
They try to have someone in my room to stay with me, I kick her out. I watch Letterman, O'Brian, and lord knows who else. I doze and wake up to some creepy poker game on NBC. Some guy in scrubs sits outside my door. I'm feeling funky, I reveal to him that I am indeed a manic/depressive. He says he knows. I hardly sleep. I want to go home.
The next day, the nurses tell me I won't be going home that day. I freak out and cry. Later, a nice lady comes by and wants to know if I'd like to go to a psychiatric research place. They promise that I could wear my own clothes, work one on one with a shrink....not have IV's...sounds good to me.
The nurse takes out all of my IV's, things in my arm, stuff attached to my chest, and I get to put on real clothes. Some nice ambulance guys take me to “Psychiatric Research”.
My memory is clearer about this next part of my journey.
To be continued....
"Losing Lithium 2" is in "Sort of Emo" in the poetry section.
