Post by Groks on Jun 2, 2008 8:43:02 GMT -6
Ok...I've finally decided to post this.
This is about my one and only suicide attempt. It was the weirdest thing, as I was going through the whole experience, I literally "heard" poetry going through my head. A year later, I was able to sit and write everything down.
If there is ever an incident that might cause me to even think about taking my own life, the words of these poems come back to haunt me. I've decided to live.
My own Mom succeeded in committing suicide 18 years ago, and that was after 5 attempts. She was mentally ill, if she had had the medications and therapies that are out there now, she might have had a fighting chance. But, always riddled with depression and anxiety, her judgment wasn't what it could be.
Writing this has helped me come to terms with her death - even though the hole she left behind still aches. I miss her horribly and am sad she isn't here to know her granddaughter. They have so much in common (well, minus the chemical imbalance), both were/are artists always having a sketchbook nearly as an appendage. So...if anyone even mentions they are thinking about suicide, I take it very seriously. Suicide does not stop the pain, it just makes it worse.
And yes, the dream I had was real. I believe God does give us insight that may help us later.
Suicide Soliloquy
by Kristine Seeley
Attempt
My world is
Crashing
It's walls are caving in
The pain is
Smashing
I'm doing myself in
Choking down
Handfulls
Prescription bottle falls
Moments drag
Waiting
An anxious friend calls
Sirens
Wailing
Coming after me
Hauled flat
On my back
Off to "Emergency"
Wheeled through
Sliding doors
Poked and pricked and asked
How -
And WHY
Then they set to task
Tube shoved down my throat
Resists as it goes in
Puking
Wretching
Let the cleaning begin
Screaming
Clinging
The arm of a patient nurse
How much
Longer
This couldn't get much worse
Fluid in
Poison out
They pump me full of "coal"
Temporary
Bandaid
For a worn and tattered soul
Waiting
In a dream one restless night
I floated through the strangest sights
My world was shifting underground
Began to split with thunderous sound
I ducked away into a hall
It was so dark! I heard a call
Freddy Krueger! Could it be?
Or was it Jason, after me?
Heart beating fast, I found a room
Frantically searched within the gloom
And found a closet where I could hide
Small cramped quarters, dark inside
Adrenalin racing in my fear
How long would I have to stay in here?
I'm so afraid, I have no doubt
"It" will get me if I come out!
But then a spark ignites and grows
I feel a strength I've never known
A single candle, now is lit
It warms the room bit by bit
I feel my strength turn warm and strong
My heart sings a simple song
It's music rings soft and clear
I am at peace, I have no fear
Two weeks ago I had that dream
An emergency room is now the scene
My world has shifted, gone insane
I lie here waiting, filled with pain
I'm so afraid in this dark room
I feel crushed by endless gloom
But then a spark ignites and burns
Feeds my soul what it yearns
My heart recalls that simple song
Reminds my soul it can be strong
And so I sing, quiet and clear
It helps to ease the pain and fear
I feel angels gather round
Joining in the healing sound
I feel a warm and comforting light
Through this lost and aching night
"Abide with me
Fast falls the eventide
The darkness deepens
Lord with me abide
When other helpers
Fail, and comforts flee
Help of the helpless
Lord, abide with me"
"I need thee every hour
Most gracious Lord
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford
I need thee, oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my Savior
I come to thee"
Transfer
Staring up
Up at the bright lights
On the ceiling of an ambulance
Out of danger
Stomach churning with activated charcoal
I-V dripping
I ask the medic
If I had been the only case
Of my kind
That night
He gave me a
"You've got to be kidding"
Kind of a look
And said I didn't want to know about
The one they brought in earlier
Carbon Monoxide poisoning
From a running car in a garage
And they didn't think
He made it
Then he said they see
Three to four cases like this
Every night
And that was just one hospital
In this big city
I suddenly realize I shouldn't be here
I know better than this
Who the hell do I think I am
Taking up room in an ER
Taking up room in an ambulance
Adding to all of the pain
With my selfishness
I close my eyes
Against the bright lights
And hot tears of shame
And resolve
After Two Ambulances, Two hospitals, at Two in the Morning
A bed!
A bed!
No one can be!
So happy as me!
To see
A BED!
No more skinny ER table
No more gurney!
A bed!
And a night attended
By gardian angels
And one gentle
Earth Angel
The Morning After
Strung up to beeping
Pulsing machines
Wires twisted like spaghetti
In the ICU
Flippin through channels
Of morning television
My heart stopping
Every time I pass
"Sesame Street"
We'd be up by now
Watching Grover and Elmo
And flipping pancakes
I put down the "clicker" and
Think of the child
I left behind last night
With neighbors
And then I think of
The child that
My mother
Left behind
Six years ago here
On planet earth
How hurt and angry
I'd been
I then feel What
I'd be feeling
If I had succeeded
I dying
Like an alternate self
Watching from heaven
I'd be horrified
Watching my husband
My family and
My friends
In uncontrollable agony
Sorrow, and pain
And I'd watch my child
Crying, alone
Wanting me back
And I'd be powerless
To comfort her
Seeing her so close
Wanting to pick her up
In my arms
But sentenced only
To watch
Helpless
Feeling what
Hell
Really is
This mother gets to
Go home this afternoon
And hold her child
Ask for forgiveness
And begin to heal the pain
My mother must wait
For what must
Feel like eternity
To embrace her child
Ask for forgiveness
Begin to heal the pain
I feel the years
Of bitterness begin
To wash away
I don't want Mom
To hurt anymore
Not because of me
There's been enough
Pain already
I'll take care of the child
Within my home
And within myself
Comfort them both for now
And I tell Mom
I forgive her
This is about my one and only suicide attempt. It was the weirdest thing, as I was going through the whole experience, I literally "heard" poetry going through my head. A year later, I was able to sit and write everything down.
If there is ever an incident that might cause me to even think about taking my own life, the words of these poems come back to haunt me. I've decided to live.
My own Mom succeeded in committing suicide 18 years ago, and that was after 5 attempts. She was mentally ill, if she had had the medications and therapies that are out there now, she might have had a fighting chance. But, always riddled with depression and anxiety, her judgment wasn't what it could be.
Writing this has helped me come to terms with her death - even though the hole she left behind still aches. I miss her horribly and am sad she isn't here to know her granddaughter. They have so much in common (well, minus the chemical imbalance), both were/are artists always having a sketchbook nearly as an appendage. So...if anyone even mentions they are thinking about suicide, I take it very seriously. Suicide does not stop the pain, it just makes it worse.
And yes, the dream I had was real. I believe God does give us insight that may help us later.
Suicide Soliloquy
by Kristine Seeley
Attempt
My world is
Crashing
It's walls are caving in
The pain is
Smashing
I'm doing myself in
Choking down
Handfulls
Prescription bottle falls
Moments drag
Waiting
An anxious friend calls
Sirens
Wailing
Coming after me
Hauled flat
On my back
Off to "Emergency"
Wheeled through
Sliding doors
Poked and pricked and asked
How -
And WHY
Then they set to task
Tube shoved down my throat
Resists as it goes in
Puking
Wretching
Let the cleaning begin
Screaming
Clinging
The arm of a patient nurse
How much
Longer
This couldn't get much worse
Fluid in
Poison out
They pump me full of "coal"
Temporary
Bandaid
For a worn and tattered soul
Waiting
In a dream one restless night
I floated through the strangest sights
My world was shifting underground
Began to split with thunderous sound
I ducked away into a hall
It was so dark! I heard a call
Freddy Krueger! Could it be?
Or was it Jason, after me?
Heart beating fast, I found a room
Frantically searched within the gloom
And found a closet where I could hide
Small cramped quarters, dark inside
Adrenalin racing in my fear
How long would I have to stay in here?
I'm so afraid, I have no doubt
"It" will get me if I come out!
But then a spark ignites and grows
I feel a strength I've never known
A single candle, now is lit
It warms the room bit by bit
I feel my strength turn warm and strong
My heart sings a simple song
It's music rings soft and clear
I am at peace, I have no fear
Two weeks ago I had that dream
An emergency room is now the scene
My world has shifted, gone insane
I lie here waiting, filled with pain
I'm so afraid in this dark room
I feel crushed by endless gloom
But then a spark ignites and burns
Feeds my soul what it yearns
My heart recalls that simple song
Reminds my soul it can be strong
And so I sing, quiet and clear
It helps to ease the pain and fear
I feel angels gather round
Joining in the healing sound
I feel a warm and comforting light
Through this lost and aching night
"Abide with me
Fast falls the eventide
The darkness deepens
Lord with me abide
When other helpers
Fail, and comforts flee
Help of the helpless
Lord, abide with me"
"I need thee every hour
Most gracious Lord
No tender voice like thine
Can peace afford
I need thee, oh I need thee
Every hour I need thee
Oh bless me now my Savior
I come to thee"
Transfer
Staring up
Up at the bright lights
On the ceiling of an ambulance
Out of danger
Stomach churning with activated charcoal
I-V dripping
I ask the medic
If I had been the only case
Of my kind
That night
He gave me a
"You've got to be kidding"
Kind of a look
And said I didn't want to know about
The one they brought in earlier
Carbon Monoxide poisoning
From a running car in a garage
And they didn't think
He made it
Then he said they see
Three to four cases like this
Every night
And that was just one hospital
In this big city
I suddenly realize I shouldn't be here
I know better than this
Who the hell do I think I am
Taking up room in an ER
Taking up room in an ambulance
Adding to all of the pain
With my selfishness
I close my eyes
Against the bright lights
And hot tears of shame
And resolve
After Two Ambulances, Two hospitals, at Two in the Morning
A bed!
A bed!
No one can be!
So happy as me!
To see
A BED!
No more skinny ER table
No more gurney!
A bed!
And a night attended
By gardian angels
And one gentle
Earth Angel
The Morning After
Strung up to beeping
Pulsing machines
Wires twisted like spaghetti
In the ICU
Flippin through channels
Of morning television
My heart stopping
Every time I pass
"Sesame Street"
We'd be up by now
Watching Grover and Elmo
And flipping pancakes
I put down the "clicker" and
Think of the child
I left behind last night
With neighbors
And then I think of
The child that
My mother
Left behind
Six years ago here
On planet earth
How hurt and angry
I'd been
I then feel What
I'd be feeling
If I had succeeded
I dying
Like an alternate self
Watching from heaven
I'd be horrified
Watching my husband
My family and
My friends
In uncontrollable agony
Sorrow, and pain
And I'd watch my child
Crying, alone
Wanting me back
And I'd be powerless
To comfort her
Seeing her so close
Wanting to pick her up
In my arms
But sentenced only
To watch
Helpless
Feeling what
Hell
Really is
This mother gets to
Go home this afternoon
And hold her child
Ask for forgiveness
And begin to heal the pain
My mother must wait
For what must
Feel like eternity
To embrace her child
Ask for forgiveness
Begin to heal the pain
I feel the years
Of bitterness begin
To wash away
I don't want Mom
To hurt anymore
Not because of me
There's been enough
Pain already
I'll take care of the child
Within my home
And within myself
Comfort them both for now
And I tell Mom
I forgive her
